be the person your targeted ads think you should be
You Might Also Like
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …