Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
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Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
Now this is how you LinkedIn
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?