[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
You Might Also Like
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.