A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
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When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know