*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
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The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.