Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
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Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*