If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
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one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
Me: Ok, I’m ready to sit down and really lock into work for the next hour.
My neighbor firing up a power saw at that exact moment: MUAHAHAHAHA
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.