*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
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Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]