Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
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Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit