My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
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Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
Intelligence is the new cleavage
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299