My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
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We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.