ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
You Might Also Like
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
thanksgiving should be called feaster
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
My new favorite headline
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
🤣🤣
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
I hope this email punches you square in the face