I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
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Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
Breaking news:
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.