Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
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Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
let’s discuss
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
they should invent a hydrating liquor
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
Life with a cat in one tweet
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee