In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
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[plot twist] ur buried vertically
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.