spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
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In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”