Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
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god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
Some of y’all tomorrow …
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.