I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
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Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
all that yoga finally paid off
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30