I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
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Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
you will never know the true number of layers
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out