probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
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I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”