“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
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Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
My birthstone is kidney
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.