I camp so other people don’t have to.
You Might Also Like
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
How do you milk an almond?
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.