me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
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genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.