Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
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Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
Fries, not lies.
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that