Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
You Might Also Like
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
Jogging has never helped my memory.
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”