Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
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Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.