My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
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Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*