Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
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*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
Blew out my flip flop…
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
Air pods looking like an angry frog
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.