My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
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The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
nothing saves money like being antisocial
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight