M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
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Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
it be like that
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.