I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
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chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
I know a bad idea when I see one.
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts