Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
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Guilty! 🤪
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
Nothing makes me get up faster than my 6yo walking by me with a bottle of Elmer’s glue.
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No