😂😂😂
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I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..