DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
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I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.