Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
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I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush