My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
You Might Also Like
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
Just saved 2 bytes on my 250GB hard drive by refactoring one line code. Finally starting to understand what minimalism feels like.
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.