if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
You Might Also Like
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
Breaking news:
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
I need to get some bricks…