[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
You Might Also Like
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
What a website