I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
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as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
awkward
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.