Sooo many times…..
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me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.