[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
You Might Also Like
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”