*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
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My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
Follow me for more fitness tips.
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same