Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
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I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
How do dragons blow out candles?
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
Delightful if true: booby trap.
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”