How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
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[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans: