Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
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Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist