ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
You Might Also Like
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying