My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
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had to share :’)
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
this is the best interaction on twitter
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.