The Wolf of Wall Street.
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I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me