Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
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I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
New comic up. “Ransom”
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.