Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
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No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
ok this is my dumbest yet
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’